The one where... I am made to feel useless

I have been trying to write this post for a long time, since April in fact.  So the news is that I have lost my job.  
I have been made redundant.

re·dun·dan·cy  

Noun

The state of being no longer needed or useful.

It happened almost two months ago to the day and to my surprise it has taken me that long to comes to terms with it.

I am in the same position as thousands of others across the country and working as I currently do, with the unemployed, I understand more than most about how hard it is to come to terms with losing your job.

The nearest thing I can equality it to is bereavement, that's not to say I equate the loss of my job to the loss of a parent or loved one, but the same feelings of helplessness and emptiness.  Whilst thinking about it and trying to come to terms with everything, it stuck me, like things do occasionally, that I had been grieving for my job, my life prior to redundancy.

I started to look up 'dealing with grief' online and poured through various websites about how to deal with loss.  I also came across the five stages of grief.   I had heard of these previous, they are referred to in popular culture regularly, but never before had I actually looked them up.

Wow.  Each of the stages struck home, big time.  They kind of gave me hope that I would get through this trying time and come out the other side.

Denial
So when I was first told, I chocked back the tears.  I was OK, leaving my job was for the best.  It was a good thing.  I was fine.  

But actually, I wasn't fine, I was in shock.  Despite the inevitability of it I had not expected it.  I didn't think it would happen to me.  After all I had been here, facing redundancy before less than 9 months previously and I had come though that OK.  I knew the drill.  

I tried to write a blog post about how fine I was, but I couldn't do it. 

Anger
After a week or so I started to get angry and irritated with almost everyone around me.
Why are you not asking how I am?
Why are you not offering me support?
Why do you keep asking me how the job hunting is going its only been a week FFS?!

I then started to get angry at myself.
Why didn't I put more effort in to my application? 

To say I was ambivalent about my work was a bit if an understatement, they are prepared to get fat off the back of my work, but not to keep me employed, fuck you!

I pushed people away and then complained when I had no one to offer me support.  I was a douche bag for a while.

I tried to write a blog post about how angry I was, but I couldn't do it.

Depression/Detachment  
I have always been rather prone to depression, I can feel it creeping up on me, inching closer and closer.  

I still haven't cried about my job.  But I have cried about almost everything else.  TV shows, adverts, books, people in the street, being alone in the house, imagining the death of my close friends/relatives, eating, not eating, my clothes, my skin, my body.  I have cried about pretty much everyone in my life, not just misty eyes, I am talking sobbing so powerfully I felt sick.

I also started to comfort eat.  This is a major issue for me.  I have spent the last few years trying to move away from food being my emotional crutch.  Punishing my body by consuming massive amounts of food, to the point of nausea, and then some more.  I binged on food over the course of two weeks.  I put on 16lbs, it has taken me best part of a year to get rid of that much weigh.  I put it back on in 14 days.  I felt ashamed.

I started to write a blog about how sad and ashamed I felt, but I couldn't.

Dialogue/Bargaining
I had an epiphany, I stepped on the scales at WeightWatchers after trying to avoid it for a while and  was horrified.  It was then I decided to draw a line.  I wasn't going to internalise anymore.

I started to talk to people, telling them what had happened (I hadn't actually told a good number of my friends).  I announced it on twitter, my Facebook page, I told strangers in the street, people that I met in bars.  People thought I was a bit weird and over-shared.

I started to rationalise, dissect the reason behind the rather sudden loss of my job, worry about my friends at work who might still be at risk.

I tried to write a blog about what had happened and what it meant, but I couldn't.

Acceptance
I remember the moment I had finally accepted what had happened, it was last Tuesday. It was the last session of a training course I was running.  Everyone who had attended had really enjoyed it, they kept asking whet here would be another one.  They kept asking when I would be back to help them with writing their CV's. They asked me what they could do to get the work club, that had just been closed, reinstated.  

They asked so many questions that I had to tell them.  No I wouldn't be back because as of the 31st of July I would be made redundant.  The moment I told my students that I wouldn't be coming back, that is when I finally accepted what had happened and was finally OK.

I has taken a while.  I am finally ready to get on board and make some plans for the future.  I must be honest it is a daunting prospect, but it doesn't seem so daunting than it did a few weeks ago.  In fact it's almost exciting, the idea of relaunching my career somewhere else, doing something different, possibly somewhere different.

So I have finally written a blog.  I am feeling OK.

 

So to anyone out there who might be going through the same thing, I am not going to bullshit you, it is going to be hard.  Its OK to feel shitty and demotivated for a while, but things will get better.  There is a future and weather or not you're ready for it or not its coming its better to embrace it rather than fight it.