The One Where... I Talk About the Birthday Blues

They happen every year.  You know they are coming. So why does it that when my birthday clicks around it takes me by surprise?

I am not talking about good, "Oh you have bought me a brand new Chanel lipstick!" type of surprise, I am talking about "Oh my f#%&ing god you've got a me a giant clown mask!" type of surprise.

I have never been a big birthday celebrator.  I had the fortune (or misfortune whichever way you want to look at it) to be born in August, during the school summer holidays. When it was time for me to have birthday parties most of my friends were on holiday so that whole cake and magician thing didn't really happen for me.  As I got older and the big birthdays hit, yes I did stuff, but frankly I wanted to be hands off as possible, if someone else could do the heavy lifting, awesome.  If I had to arrange a birthday thing for myself?  Yeah I chose to stay in eat pizza and feel resentful that no one wanted to do something for my birthday.

Since hitting 27, when the 22nd of July, exactly a month before my birthday, rolls around I have a tendency to freak out a bit.  It’s not the ageing thing that bothers me, not really, I mean, I look great for my age (I really do, I easily pass for 26). It’s no matter how unhealthy I know it is, I end up comparing myself to my peer group.  Despite what great things might be going on with my life, and despite how I may really enjoy my life at any other point in the year, just before my birthday I freak out, and do it big.  I worry that I do not have anything to show for my life up to this point, I worry that my peers look down on me, I worry that I will end up being a lonely old woman with nothing to show for her life.

There is usually quite a bit of sobbing, not crying, all out, body aching sobbing. 

There is usually a lot of eating, binges of epic proportions, eating things that I would never usually consider food (horrible processed and chemical ridden foods that when you check the ingredients there is not one pronounceable word there). 

There is screaming and shouting, it's kind of like when I get irrationally angry when I have PMT, only worse and not confined to a couple of days a month. 

There is a lot of alone time, where in the privacy of my own bedroom I actively encourage my mind to go to dark places (would anyone come to my funeral if I died?  Who would look after me if I had a terminal illness?). 

This birthday is harder than most.  I am turning 32, this is not an appealing age.  I have just lost my job, not a joyous event.  I am still single, with not a lot of prospects.  I still live with house mates, with no real prospects of owning a home.

This birthday however, surprisingly, I am not having my usual freak out.  To date, with a week to go, there has been no sobbing, no screaming, no eating marathons, no movie marathons, no locking myself away.  Despite it being an all round shitty birthday, I feel the most positive I have ever felt about getting a year older. 

I have spent the last two weeks, going out and drinking and dancing with friends. Although the hangovers (not necessarily booze, but general late nights and lots of dancing, man my knees are killing me) are not getting any easier and my bank balance has taken a little bit of a battering, it has been the most fun two weeks I have had in a very long time. 

With all of the stress in my life I have really needed to blow off some steam before I get back to hard reality of job hunting.  The old adage of all work and no play? Yeah that's totally been my life for a while.  The focus on the crap caused me to forget that I work to live, not live to work. 

I am not quite sure what has happened, because something has definitely has, but I feel different.  Yes I still have hang ups when I compare my life with others.  Yes I am still worried I am doing to die alone and not be found until one of the neighbours complains of a weird smell.  I am approaching the forthcoming year with more optimism and hope than I have had in a long time, yeah some of my freaky thoughts scare the shit out of me, but they are just thoughts, not reality.

I guess I am becoming wiser with age, or is it, that in my perpetually hungover state, I don't have the brain power to focus on the negative so much? 

Either way I want to pass on some of the life lessons I have learnt this past year.

1.    Why care what a complete stranger thinks of you?  Is your life anything to do with them?  Don't worry about judgement from people who don't matter

2.    If you feel attractive, don't let anyone else convince you otherwise.

3.    If you don't feel attractive, look in the mirror, man you are hot, what were you thinking!

4.    You can love your friends as much if not more than any romantic partner

5.    You can't measure your life with material things.  Experiences, fun, laughter, love those are the things that make a life.

6.    If you can't change it, why stress about it?  Focus on the stuff you can influence.

7.    Most of the best things in life cost nothing

8.    Sometimes putting some lipstick on and facing the world is the best solution when all you want to do is hide.

9.    If your friends make you feel bad about yourself, they aren't really your friends…unless you have been a total douchbag, in which case that is their job

10. Flat shoes are almost always the best option, don't drink on an empty stomach, drink a pint of water before you go to bed, always take your makeup off before you crash and fluorescent paint is a pain in the arse to remove.

The one where... I am made to feel useless

I have been trying to write this post for a long time, since April in fact.  So the news is that I have lost my job.  
I have been made redundant.

re·dun·dan·cy  

Noun

The state of being no longer needed or useful.

It happened almost two months ago to the day and to my surprise it has taken me that long to comes to terms with it.

I am in the same position as thousands of others across the country and working as I currently do, with the unemployed, I understand more than most about how hard it is to come to terms with losing your job.

The nearest thing I can equality it to is bereavement, that's not to say I equate the loss of my job to the loss of a parent or loved one, but the same feelings of helplessness and emptiness.  Whilst thinking about it and trying to come to terms with everything, it stuck me, like things do occasionally, that I had been grieving for my job, my life prior to redundancy.

I started to look up 'dealing with grief' online and poured through various websites about how to deal with loss.  I also came across the five stages of grief.   I had heard of these previous, they are referred to in popular culture regularly, but never before had I actually looked them up.

Wow.  Each of the stages struck home, big time.  They kind of gave me hope that I would get through this trying time and come out the other side.

Denial
So when I was first told, I chocked back the tears.  I was OK, leaving my job was for the best.  It was a good thing.  I was fine.  

But actually, I wasn't fine, I was in shock.  Despite the inevitability of it I had not expected it.  I didn't think it would happen to me.  After all I had been here, facing redundancy before less than 9 months previously and I had come though that OK.  I knew the drill.  

I tried to write a blog post about how fine I was, but I couldn't do it. 

Anger
After a week or so I started to get angry and irritated with almost everyone around me.
Why are you not asking how I am?
Why are you not offering me support?
Why do you keep asking me how the job hunting is going its only been a week FFS?!

I then started to get angry at myself.
Why didn't I put more effort in to my application? 

To say I was ambivalent about my work was a bit if an understatement, they are prepared to get fat off the back of my work, but not to keep me employed, fuck you!

I pushed people away and then complained when I had no one to offer me support.  I was a douche bag for a while.

I tried to write a blog post about how angry I was, but I couldn't do it.

Depression/Detachment  
I have always been rather prone to depression, I can feel it creeping up on me, inching closer and closer.  

I still haven't cried about my job.  But I have cried about almost everything else.  TV shows, adverts, books, people in the street, being alone in the house, imagining the death of my close friends/relatives, eating, not eating, my clothes, my skin, my body.  I have cried about pretty much everyone in my life, not just misty eyes, I am talking sobbing so powerfully I felt sick.

I also started to comfort eat.  This is a major issue for me.  I have spent the last few years trying to move away from food being my emotional crutch.  Punishing my body by consuming massive amounts of food, to the point of nausea, and then some more.  I binged on food over the course of two weeks.  I put on 16lbs, it has taken me best part of a year to get rid of that much weigh.  I put it back on in 14 days.  I felt ashamed.

I started to write a blog about how sad and ashamed I felt, but I couldn't.

Dialogue/Bargaining
I had an epiphany, I stepped on the scales at WeightWatchers after trying to avoid it for a while and  was horrified.  It was then I decided to draw a line.  I wasn't going to internalise anymore.

I started to talk to people, telling them what had happened (I hadn't actually told a good number of my friends).  I announced it on twitter, my Facebook page, I told strangers in the street, people that I met in bars.  People thought I was a bit weird and over-shared.

I started to rationalise, dissect the reason behind the rather sudden loss of my job, worry about my friends at work who might still be at risk.

I tried to write a blog about what had happened and what it meant, but I couldn't.

Acceptance
I remember the moment I had finally accepted what had happened, it was last Tuesday. It was the last session of a training course I was running.  Everyone who had attended had really enjoyed it, they kept asking whet here would be another one.  They kept asking when I would be back to help them with writing their CV's. They asked me what they could do to get the work club, that had just been closed, reinstated.  

They asked so many questions that I had to tell them.  No I wouldn't be back because as of the 31st of July I would be made redundant.  The moment I told my students that I wouldn't be coming back, that is when I finally accepted what had happened and was finally OK.

I has taken a while.  I am finally ready to get on board and make some plans for the future.  I must be honest it is a daunting prospect, but it doesn't seem so daunting than it did a few weeks ago.  In fact it's almost exciting, the idea of relaunching my career somewhere else, doing something different, possibly somewhere different.

So I have finally written a blog.  I am feeling OK.

 

So to anyone out there who might be going through the same thing, I am not going to bullshit you, it is going to be hard.  Its OK to feel shitty and demotivated for a while, but things will get better.  There is a future and weather or not you're ready for it or not its coming its better to embrace it rather than fight it.