The One Where... I Talk About the Birthday Blues

They happen every year.  You know they are coming. So why does it that when my birthday clicks around it takes me by surprise?

I am not talking about good, "Oh you have bought me a brand new Chanel lipstick!" type of surprise, I am talking about "Oh my f#%&ing god you've got a me a giant clown mask!" type of surprise.

I have never been a big birthday celebrator.  I had the fortune (or misfortune whichever way you want to look at it) to be born in August, during the school summer holidays. When it was time for me to have birthday parties most of my friends were on holiday so that whole cake and magician thing didn't really happen for me.  As I got older and the big birthdays hit, yes I did stuff, but frankly I wanted to be hands off as possible, if someone else could do the heavy lifting, awesome.  If I had to arrange a birthday thing for myself?  Yeah I chose to stay in eat pizza and feel resentful that no one wanted to do something for my birthday.

Since hitting 27, when the 22nd of July, exactly a month before my birthday, rolls around I have a tendency to freak out a bit.  It’s not the ageing thing that bothers me, not really, I mean, I look great for my age (I really do, I easily pass for 26). It’s no matter how unhealthy I know it is, I end up comparing myself to my peer group.  Despite what great things might be going on with my life, and despite how I may really enjoy my life at any other point in the year, just before my birthday I freak out, and do it big.  I worry that I do not have anything to show for my life up to this point, I worry that my peers look down on me, I worry that I will end up being a lonely old woman with nothing to show for her life.

There is usually quite a bit of sobbing, not crying, all out, body aching sobbing. 

There is usually a lot of eating, binges of epic proportions, eating things that I would never usually consider food (horrible processed and chemical ridden foods that when you check the ingredients there is not one pronounceable word there). 

There is screaming and shouting, it's kind of like when I get irrationally angry when I have PMT, only worse and not confined to a couple of days a month. 

There is a lot of alone time, where in the privacy of my own bedroom I actively encourage my mind to go to dark places (would anyone come to my funeral if I died?  Who would look after me if I had a terminal illness?). 

This birthday is harder than most.  I am turning 32, this is not an appealing age.  I have just lost my job, not a joyous event.  I am still single, with not a lot of prospects.  I still live with house mates, with no real prospects of owning a home.

This birthday however, surprisingly, I am not having my usual freak out.  To date, with a week to go, there has been no sobbing, no screaming, no eating marathons, no movie marathons, no locking myself away.  Despite it being an all round shitty birthday, I feel the most positive I have ever felt about getting a year older. 

I have spent the last two weeks, going out and drinking and dancing with friends. Although the hangovers (not necessarily booze, but general late nights and lots of dancing, man my knees are killing me) are not getting any easier and my bank balance has taken a little bit of a battering, it has been the most fun two weeks I have had in a very long time. 

With all of the stress in my life I have really needed to blow off some steam before I get back to hard reality of job hunting.  The old adage of all work and no play? Yeah that's totally been my life for a while.  The focus on the crap caused me to forget that I work to live, not live to work. 

I am not quite sure what has happened, because something has definitely has, but I feel different.  Yes I still have hang ups when I compare my life with others.  Yes I am still worried I am doing to die alone and not be found until one of the neighbours complains of a weird smell.  I am approaching the forthcoming year with more optimism and hope than I have had in a long time, yeah some of my freaky thoughts scare the shit out of me, but they are just thoughts, not reality.

I guess I am becoming wiser with age, or is it, that in my perpetually hungover state, I don't have the brain power to focus on the negative so much? 

Either way I want to pass on some of the life lessons I have learnt this past year.

1.    Why care what a complete stranger thinks of you?  Is your life anything to do with them?  Don't worry about judgement from people who don't matter

2.    If you feel attractive, don't let anyone else convince you otherwise.

3.    If you don't feel attractive, look in the mirror, man you are hot, what were you thinking!

4.    You can love your friends as much if not more than any romantic partner

5.    You can't measure your life with material things.  Experiences, fun, laughter, love those are the things that make a life.

6.    If you can't change it, why stress about it?  Focus on the stuff you can influence.

7.    Most of the best things in life cost nothing

8.    Sometimes putting some lipstick on and facing the world is the best solution when all you want to do is hide.

9.    If your friends make you feel bad about yourself, they aren't really your friends…unless you have been a total douchbag, in which case that is their job

10. Flat shoes are almost always the best option, don't drink on an empty stomach, drink a pint of water before you go to bed, always take your makeup off before you crash and fluorescent paint is a pain in the arse to remove.