The One Where... I explain why I am a feminist

If you were to create a time machine, go back 10 years and ask me the question, are you a feminist? My response in all likelihood would have been no.

Despite having spent three years at university studying women's history and trying to uncover some of the lost voices of the past, and despite writing a dissertation with feminist undertones (The emancipatory qualities of non-conformist religions on the lives of women in the 17th century, It's a ripping read), no I would have to say at the tender age of 21 I was not a feminist.

To be honest, at that age I didn't have much of an understanding what feminism was, yes I had read books, but really at that age and being as naive as I was, not really having experienced much of the world, feminism just didn't resonate.  I also come from a family with a lot of strong female characters, I grew up knowing that I could do anything or be anyone I wanted (as long as no serious laws were broken along the way) and I naively assumed that everyone came from the same kind of family and thought the same way I did.

So what changed? Being 21 and naive is one thing, being 26 and jaded is something else entirely. I had spent five years out in the world, in the work place and in social situations outside of the semi closeted world of studentdom.  In all honesty it felt all a bit grubby.  

There were comments made about the types of jobs that were suitable for the women to do, there was slut shaming, sexual harassment, inter office affairs, unwanted touching and attention.  There were questions about wanting to start families, why people looked/dressed the way they did, how weird it was that so-and-so didn't want children.  There were wage inequalities, bullying and darn right nastiness.

Honestly, I felt fed up of being talked down to, having other people's expectations thrust upon me and my body and the way I looked being public property.  I finally understood what this feminism thing was about, kind of.

But again if you went back 5 years in a time machine and asked me the question, are you a feminist?  Despite my growing beliefs  declaring that you were a feminist was not something that would make you friends.

Even now there are so many misconceptions about what feminism means and what it takes to be a feminist.  I know intelligent and aware women who flinch at even the suggestion that they may be a feminist, it still has negative undertones for many.  I have even heard the word used as an insult, which boggled my mind slightly.  Now I am by no means an expert, in anything, but I really want to try to explain what being a feminist means to me and why at the age of (nearly) 32 I am ready to come out of the closet.

So here are a run down of three of the things I feel most passionately about being a woman, and a feminist;

1.  I believe that Women should have the same opportunities as men.  
I don't think that the career aspirations of any woman should be limited by her gender, if you want to be a hairdresser, nurse, welder, IT technician, go for it.  And the same for the men, why should they be limited to builders, or city traders, if guys want to be beauticians or florists go ahead, equality is about being equal, everyone should have the same opportunities.

2. Women should not be judged by their physical appearance.  
OK everyone to varying extents is judged by the way they look or the way they dress.  However the preoccupation with female beauty (or perceived lack there of) is frankly revolting.  There are endless articles in the media about women's bodies, how good or bad they look, if they are too fat, too thin, are wearing too much make up, or none at all, if they look tired or stressed.  Really! Some of the most successful, inspiring, powerful women in the world and you want to talk about the way they look?  I know that men are subject to this too, but I feel not to the same extent, there are entire magazines dedicated to the way women in the public eye look.  The only media currency women seem to have nowadays appears to be as a sexual object.  Call me crazy but I would like to be judged on more than how fat my arse is and where I buy my clothes.

3. Women should have the right to have control over their bodies.
Why should I 'expect' to be groped when I am in a bar? or on the bus? in a shop or the train?  Why is this unwanted touching ever acceptable?  Do I walk up to random guys in the street, grab them by their junk and tell them they are hot? No, and no man should expect that type of treatment, so why should women expect to have her bottom pitched or her breasts groped?

These are just a few of the things that I feel strongly about being a woman.  In starting to write this post there are so many things that could be included, street harassment, reproductive rights, and domestic abuse to name just a few.

I am currently living in a time where, finally, many of these issues are being discussed and debated. I don't ever imagined that any of these things will be 'solved' but I hope that this shows that the culture in which I live starts to evolve in to something that shows a little bit more respect.  What does it say about us as a society if 'we' are treating 50% of the population with contempt.  Sidelining the wants needs, rights and wishes of our mothers, wives, sisters and daughters?

There are books and commentators out there that can talk about feminism waaaay better than I can, but I wanted to get my two pence worth in to the world.  

So to de-bunk a few myths;

Yes, I shave my arm pits and legs, I like them smooth, but I don't think anyone should be pressurised to do it to conform if they don't want to, heck when winter comes I like a little extra coverage myself.

No, I am not a lesbian, I thought about it for a while when was a teenager, but no,  I like men, but to all of those girls, boys and not quite sure's out there, love who you want to.

No, I don't hate men, I think they are pretty great most of the time, yeah there a few rum'ens but hey that's the same for us girls too.

Yes, I do wear skirts and dresses, I don't think acceptance in to the 'Feminism Club' should rely on a dress code.

No, I don't want to be a man.  Seriously being a girl is fantastic most of the time, why would I want to change?

I am a feminist and I am proud to be so.

The One Where... I tell my superhero origin story

OK, OK, I am not, nor am I ever likely to be a superhero (however I do live in hope).  What this story is really about is how a mild mannered, tiny bit shy girl from semi rural Suffolk managed to become one of the most unexpected geeks you could ever come to know.

I have been a geek for a very long time.  No I do not wear T-shirts proclaiming my love for whichever fandom in am in to at the time (it does switch around a bit, I can be a bit fickle) and no I do not quote the bejesus out of the films/tv shows/books I am in to.  But check my VHS (yes, it is the ONLY format to watch Star Wars on), DVD, and book collections, or my YouTube subscriptions or Internet history you will find that I am a geek at heart and soul, and not, as I was horrified to be called one dark day, a hipster.

How did my geekdom come about?  Do you think its possible to be born with a geek soul?  I love the idea that I popped out of the womb wearing my signature specs, fist held high screaming 'Batman!'... Or that my birth coincides with that of a prominent Geek icon... Or that I am the reincarnation of the creator of ... I don't know...D&D... Alas however these are all figments of my creative yet mildly disturbed imagination.

So you are not born a geek, you are made, so what was it that has shaped me in to the She-Geek everyone knows and loves?  It has to be the Star Wars universe.  Being merely a glint in my daddy's eye when Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope was released, I came to it in a bit of a round about way.  Many old school Wars fans will grimace in disgust when I explain that I had my introduction to Wars through the Ewoks, specifically the two films Caravan of Courage and Battle for Endor (much like how I grimace when my 5 year old nephew talks about how much he loves JarJar Binks).  After those came the cartoon series, Droids and Ewoks, then once I was a bit older, that is when I was introduced to Luke, Leia, Obi Wan and Han et al.

I wanted to be Princess Leia, she was cool, feisty, pretty, could fight and was undoubtedly in charge.  Since the age of 7 Leia has become the standard from which all others are judged.  My film, TV and book role models were less about princesses, wearing pink and living happily ever after, they were about being clever, having fun, being the boss.  Many of the 'typical' girls toys, games, TV shows and Films, were and still are a bit of a turn off.  I loved and love sci-fi, spunky romantic comedy's from the 50's and 60's, books of all sorts, computers games, bike rides, technology, building and making things, reading encyclopaedias and books of interesting words.  And I love getting obsessed about each and every one of these thing.

The role models of my youth include; Princess Leia, Cheetara, She-Ra, Matilda & Sophie (from Roald Dhal's Matilda and BFG respectively), Jo March, Helen Sharman, Marie Curie, Doris Day, Wonder Woman, Uhura, and Athena (yes as in the Greek god).

I wanted to go to space, be an explorer, go on epic adventures, write books, and solve crimes.

It wasn't until I was quite a bit older that I realised that all of the weird things I liked and wanted to be, made me a geek.  And it was even longer before I realised that there were other girls out there who were interested in the same things I was. 

Geekdom offered me an opportunity to latch on to role models who did a bit more with their lives than look pretty and marry handsome princes. I wanted to have adventures (still do, who doesn't like getting lost! It's a mini adventure in itself), I wanted to kick the butts of bad guys and help people (I still do, I have professionally helped people conquer their own daemons and helped them improve their lives), I wanted to be the one that is funny and tells jokes (I still do, when not in written form I am completely and utterly, mildly amusing) and finally I wanted to be the hero of my own story not just a supporting player (I still do, The idea of a white knight sweeping me off my feet gives me the urge to punch him in the junk).

I have to say I love being a bit different, it wasn't always easy being the sole girl in school that didn't like pink, want to be a nurse and ride a pony (I liked red, wanted to be the prime minister and wanted to ride Battlecat) but do you know what? Being a geek, is possibly one of the most inspiring aspects of my life. 

It has inspired me to read, watch movies, visit places, research random topics, write, draw, paint and connect with other geeks accross the globe. 

During my formative years it taught me to dream, push boundaries and not just let life happen to me. 

OK so there are some elements of geek culture that could do with embracing feminism a bit more, but that's whole other issue, one which I feel incredibly passionately about and could talk about for hours.  That aside however, mainstream culture needs to embrace their geeky side a bit more and remind girls and women across the world that they can be just as kick ass as the boys and still enjoy being a girl.

Being geeky doesn't mean being unattractive, unfeminine or antisocial.  Being geeky means being awesome whether you are a girl, boy, or as yet undecided.

The One Where… I talk about being a grown up woman

That's me in the pink.  Man I was cute.

When I was a girl I couldn’t wait to grow up and be a woman.  I wanted to go out with my friends, meet handsome men, and wear glamorous clothes and red lipstick. 

I watched Ally McBeal hoping that my grown up life would be as zany, glamorous and successful.  Surrounded my hot men, taken on fabulous dates, going to fabulous locations, being serenaded by Robert Downey Jr…..Oh Robert *looks off wistfully in to space*

Oh 16 year old self how wrong you were.  The reality of being a grown up is a bit different, and mildly boring.  Although some of us women in the world are blessed with glamorous, creative and fun work environments not all of us are that lucky. 

There is mundane bureaucracy, office politics, bitchy colleagues, working late for no overtime (or recognition). 

There’s housework, broken down appliances, ailing parents, recession, redundancy, credit card bills, funerals, biological clocks, misogynists and the glass ceiling.

The glamour and romance of your imaginings is often fleeting and overwhelmed by the mundanity of everyday life.  Men are not going to serenade you.  Robert Downey Jr is not going to know that you exist.

But oh 16 year old self, lets not say that everything about being a woman is bad.  I feel waaay more confident about myself.  OK I’m short, fat, and incredibly short sighted.  But man I make this shit look hot.  Yeah I like to look nice and am perpetually on a diet, but I am the most comfortable with who I am and what I look like, imperfections and all, than I have been ever.  All of the neurotic Ally McBeal shit?  Nope, I am freaking awesome.

There are cocktail hours, babies, the ability to question expectations, high heels, the opportunity to make your own choices, to break barriers, and men with beards.

There are beer festivals, scary movies, weddings, christenings, and parties, learning to cook, choosing your friends, staying up late, and discovering yourself.

I love being a woman, but bloody hell it is hard sometimes.

Would I want to be a man?

Well…. I could pee standing up.  I wouldn’t be judged for not wearing makeup.  Prospective employers wouldn’t ask for little hints about my personal life to see if I was planning to get up the duff.  I could do my hair in less than 5 minutes.  I could like the stuff I like with out people being surprised (“Star Wars? Really?”).

No.  I wouldn’t want to be a guy.  Regardless of all of the societal, social and personal pressures you are put under by having an innie rather than having an outie, being a girl is great.  In fact it is bloody fantastic.

16 year old self, keep having those fantasies because even though real life isn’t always as glamorous as you think it might be, in so many respects it s even better than you imagined.

The one where... I am made to feel useless

I have been trying to write this post for a long time, since April in fact.  So the news is that I have lost my job.  
I have been made redundant.

re·dun·dan·cy  

Noun

The state of being no longer needed or useful.

It happened almost two months ago to the day and to my surprise it has taken me that long to comes to terms with it.

I am in the same position as thousands of others across the country and working as I currently do, with the unemployed, I understand more than most about how hard it is to come to terms with losing your job.

The nearest thing I can equality it to is bereavement, that's not to say I equate the loss of my job to the loss of a parent or loved one, but the same feelings of helplessness and emptiness.  Whilst thinking about it and trying to come to terms with everything, it stuck me, like things do occasionally, that I had been grieving for my job, my life prior to redundancy.

I started to look up 'dealing with grief' online and poured through various websites about how to deal with loss.  I also came across the five stages of grief.   I had heard of these previous, they are referred to in popular culture regularly, but never before had I actually looked them up.

Wow.  Each of the stages struck home, big time.  They kind of gave me hope that I would get through this trying time and come out the other side.

Denial
So when I was first told, I chocked back the tears.  I was OK, leaving my job was for the best.  It was a good thing.  I was fine.  

But actually, I wasn't fine, I was in shock.  Despite the inevitability of it I had not expected it.  I didn't think it would happen to me.  After all I had been here, facing redundancy before less than 9 months previously and I had come though that OK.  I knew the drill.  

I tried to write a blog post about how fine I was, but I couldn't do it. 

Anger
After a week or so I started to get angry and irritated with almost everyone around me.
Why are you not asking how I am?
Why are you not offering me support?
Why do you keep asking me how the job hunting is going its only been a week FFS?!

I then started to get angry at myself.
Why didn't I put more effort in to my application? 

To say I was ambivalent about my work was a bit if an understatement, they are prepared to get fat off the back of my work, but not to keep me employed, fuck you!

I pushed people away and then complained when I had no one to offer me support.  I was a douche bag for a while.

I tried to write a blog post about how angry I was, but I couldn't do it.

Depression/Detachment  
I have always been rather prone to depression, I can feel it creeping up on me, inching closer and closer.  

I still haven't cried about my job.  But I have cried about almost everything else.  TV shows, adverts, books, people in the street, being alone in the house, imagining the death of my close friends/relatives, eating, not eating, my clothes, my skin, my body.  I have cried about pretty much everyone in my life, not just misty eyes, I am talking sobbing so powerfully I felt sick.

I also started to comfort eat.  This is a major issue for me.  I have spent the last few years trying to move away from food being my emotional crutch.  Punishing my body by consuming massive amounts of food, to the point of nausea, and then some more.  I binged on food over the course of two weeks.  I put on 16lbs, it has taken me best part of a year to get rid of that much weigh.  I put it back on in 14 days.  I felt ashamed.

I started to write a blog about how sad and ashamed I felt, but I couldn't.

Dialogue/Bargaining
I had an epiphany, I stepped on the scales at WeightWatchers after trying to avoid it for a while and  was horrified.  It was then I decided to draw a line.  I wasn't going to internalise anymore.

I started to talk to people, telling them what had happened (I hadn't actually told a good number of my friends).  I announced it on twitter, my Facebook page, I told strangers in the street, people that I met in bars.  People thought I was a bit weird and over-shared.

I started to rationalise, dissect the reason behind the rather sudden loss of my job, worry about my friends at work who might still be at risk.

I tried to write a blog about what had happened and what it meant, but I couldn't.

Acceptance
I remember the moment I had finally accepted what had happened, it was last Tuesday. It was the last session of a training course I was running.  Everyone who had attended had really enjoyed it, they kept asking whet here would be another one.  They kept asking when I would be back to help them with writing their CV's. They asked me what they could do to get the work club, that had just been closed, reinstated.  

They asked so many questions that I had to tell them.  No I wouldn't be back because as of the 31st of July I would be made redundant.  The moment I told my students that I wouldn't be coming back, that is when I finally accepted what had happened and was finally OK.

I has taken a while.  I am finally ready to get on board and make some plans for the future.  I must be honest it is a daunting prospect, but it doesn't seem so daunting than it did a few weeks ago.  In fact it's almost exciting, the idea of relaunching my career somewhere else, doing something different, possibly somewhere different.

So I have finally written a blog.  I am feeling OK.

 

So to anyone out there who might be going through the same thing, I am not going to bullshit you, it is going to be hard.  Its OK to feel shitty and demotivated for a while, but things will get better.  There is a future and weather or not you're ready for it or not its coming its better to embrace it rather than fight it.

The one where... I admit I am a comic book virgin

OK I have a lot of geeky loves, films TV shows, books, historical figures. I am a geek, but there are a few areas of geek life that I haven't really embraced. I am not really a fan of plushies or soft toys, they kind of freak me out, I even dumped a guy for buying me a teddy bear.

I really don't get the costume thing either, I can appreciate the time, effort and craftsmanship involved in creating a truly excellent costume. But personally, it's not for me.

Comic books is also an area that I have never really been in to. I have been fascinated by comic book mythology (I can spend hours pootling around the Internet looking up back story) I love comic book films Scott Pilgrim, Superheroes of all sorts, Kick Ass, I dig comic book art the camp and kitsch early stuff as well as the amazingly visceral modern stuff... But actual comic books. Not really. I am not sure I could give you a reason why either, comic books are something that I should be in to, they tick a lot of my boxes. My big brother was in to 2000AD for. Lot of years, so I have had some exposure, but it just didn't stick.

I don't have anyone in my real life who is actually a geek, I am kind of on my own in 'real life', however with the wonderful invention of the Internet I have been able to connect with other women from all over the world who also have geeky loves in their lives. The community that has developed around IGGPPC has helped broaden my geeky horizons and occupied a ridiculous amount of my Internet activity.

In an effort to push myself outside of my comfort zone and try I set myself a challenge this weekend, an excuse if you will, to lose my comic book virginity.

Saturday is one of my favourite days of the year, Star Wars day, May the Fourth, the day I bust out my VHS player and indulge in a Star Wars marathon (yes I do own. A DVD player, but for many reason I refuse to buy my beloved Wars on this format, too much tinkering... However my reasons are probably best left for another time). This Saturday however was extra special, in addition to being Star Wars day it was also Free Comic Book Day.

Twitter and Pinterest have been a'buzz about this auspicious event for a while, and to be honest I had never heard of this before, never. So feeling that I was missing out I thought I would take to opportunity to head down to my local comic book store and pop my comic book cherry.

This may sound silly but I was actually really nervous, I hate heading somewhere unfamiliar on my own. Once I know the lay of the land I am good hanging out on my own, drinking coffee, going to the cinema, shopping, lunching, even on the occasion heading to the pub. But this was a whole other proposition.

Rather than chickening out (and it did cross my mind) I headed down to Ace Comics in Colchester. I have walked by the store before so I know where I was going, but I hadn't really expected it to be quite so busy...

I really didn't know quite what to expect, what I got was a rather nice surprise.

The store was really buzzing and busy, obviously despite my ignorance lots of people in and around Colchester knew what day it was and had headed down to take advantage of a free comic book. The clientele where a real mix, family's with kids, the ubiquitous teenage boy, the less numerous teenage girl (I was really encouraged to see) and men and women about my age (30's).

The store itself has been in its current location since 2006 and is a pleasantly cluttered yet organised store, which is deceptively big and is divided in to a number of different rooms.

So I thought what the hell I am going to have look around. I first headed upstairs, this was possibly a mistake as it was jam packed, this was the area they were giving away the from coming that give free comic book day it's name.

I ducked in to a side room that reminded me of some of my favourite music stores, these are the archives where you can look for back issues of your favourite squeeze. I spent a good time rummaging through, not quite sure what I was looking for picking up a couple of things here and there that looked interesting. I then headed out to the 'Free' area and had a browse. Personally I didn't find anything here to tickle my fancy, but I was encouraged to see the mix of people who were really getting stuck in to the swing of things.

Before I headed back downstairs I also had a rummage through the 50p/£1 sale items, of which there was a lot! This would be a great place to stock up on things for the little geek in your life, lots of old school items which were a joy to look though.

I then took myself back downstairs to check out the rest of the store. The small lobby area was full of T-shirts, action figures, posters and other awesome things (I certainly know where I will be buying my middle nephews birthday present when the time comes around). Although I had a quick browse I was here for the Comic Books, not the toys, and then headed downstairs.

This section was all of the new stuff divided up by publisher and neatly displayed on row upon row of awesomeness. It was at this point I felt a little bit out of my depth, where the hell did I start?! So feeling a little like Lois Lane, I put on my best reporter smile on and approached one of the staff members.

Using the premise that I was going to blog about my visit (hence this, it's naughty to lie) I asked a few questions. Guy, was really approachable and seem quite amused by my little mission, he gave me a little bit of a history about the store and its layout and I then asked a bit of advice about those new the whole 'Comic Book thing'.

So Guys advice for all of us newbies;

• Take advantage of free comic book day, have a look at what's out there and find out the types of things you might like
• Don't assume it's all superheroes, there are lots of different genres Que. me discovering a graphic novel of Jane Austen's Emma... Über awesome
• Lots of publisher have free editions that you can download, you can get a taste of a series without committing to a subscription.
• Collections are a great way of catching up on a particular charter and are great for those who are at the entry level.

Guy was incredibly friendly and helpful, as well as patient with my probably stupid questions. In fact all of the staff members I spoke to were so amazingly friendly. You could tell that they knew their regulars and had a genuine interest and passion for the products they were selling.

So did I buy anything? Yes actually, I purchased 'Aliens: Inhuman Condition' a graphic novel recommended by another patron (he didn't know that Alien was my favourite film either) and 'The Walking Dead Volume 1: Days Gone Bye'. I am really looking forward to getting in to these over the next few days, however in the meantime I have a certain film trilogy to watch.

So for those of you who may be like me before my de-flowering, advice;
If you are interested, do it, I have really enjoyed my weekend of comic bookness.

• Ask advice from those in the know. Twitter is a fantastic resource, full of wonderfully passionate and helpful people willing to share there passion with you (@BatHobbitt and @Hanabethislame I am pointing at you!)
• Do a bit of research before hand. If you are reading this you obviously have a working Internet connection take Guy's advice, have a bit of an idea of the type of thing that you like before you make a trip.
• Ask questions of the staff. If my experience in Ace is anything to go by the staff you encounter will probably be friendly and incredibly knowledgeable.

I don't think I will become a Comic Book aficionado anytime soon, but I certainly have a new appreciation for comic books and I will be more tempted from this point onwards to indulge in a Graphic Novel and head back to Ace to spend some of my hard earned cash.

Laters Geeks x

The one where .... I declare my love for the Geek Girls of the world

So I have experienced a little bit of a renaissance with my blog. The reason?

It has no small coincidence that I have recently become enamoured with the IGGPPC (International Geek Girls Pen Pal Club).

So before start banging on about its amazingness, lets kick off with how I heard about the project to begin with. I have been following Geek Girl on FB for a while now, a group that is trying to promote and get girls in to IT. It's a subject I have felt passionately about for a while being a IT trainer and assessor. So one day just flicking thorough my timeline I saw this post.

Well yes and yes.. I signed up for the first round, and then watched as the whole thing EXPLODED over the Internet. I felt like in was in on the inception of something epic. My Twitter page became a place where I could engage with awesome geek girls from across the globe. I felt like I belonged. I found my tribe.

I found that I was spending ridiculous amounts on time watching YouTube videos, reading blog posts, responding to tweets, hanging out on the iggppc forum. I was truly inspired.

So despite a hiatus of many months I decided to resurrect my much neglected blog.

The girls (and a few boys too) are geeks in the truest meaning of the word, they are irrepressibly enthusiastic about the things that they love and love sharing their loves with the world. They are kind, intelligent, sweet, and generally awesome. They don't get bored at my enthusiasm for new episodes of Doctor Who, they know who Tom Hiddleston is and know why I want his babies, they are non judgmental and frankly awesome in all the ways that matter.

So to any fellow geeks out there check out these epic ladies and bask in the wonder.

http://geekgirlpenpals.ning.com/
#IGGPPC
#IGGLES

Laters Geeks x

The One Where... I Return from the Dead

Hello Internet, I've missed you.

So I haven't blogged in a very long time.  A very long time indeed.

I stopped because I had some stuff going on in life and with all of the crump, blogging went by the wayside.  But because I wasn't blogging lots of other stuff ended up there too.  Without the accountability of someone else checking me I fell unceremoniously off the WeightWatchers wagon. Without the ability to vent out in to the depths of the Internet I became very closed off and kept my problems to myself.

OK I know I do not run a popular blog, yes I know people don't actually read it, but it just knowing someone 'could' seriously helped. In lots of ways.

I have had another big change in my life and I have realised that blogging/writing is something I need to do for my piece of mind.  So I am not making any promises, I have done that before, but I am going to try really hard to get back on the blogging wagon again.

I am going to make a few changes and updates to my page, so mysterious reader (I am pretty sure there is only one of you) keep an eye out and I will be back.